Embracing Insomnia

I developed a habit waking up early while in high school. Swim workouts in the winter and water polo practice in the spring required us to be in the weight room by 6 am.  Another two hours of practice in the afternoon, plus the disciplined and demanding academic schedule of a Jesuit curriculum, didn't leave much room for insomnia.

However, as unbelievable as it sounds after hours of intense exercise, a full day of classes, and a demanding volume of homework, I would sometimes wake up before my 5:30 am alarm.

Talk about painful. A single minute of sleep was precious. I quickly came to appreciate and savor an extra minute or two of sleep.  It felt like an eternity to be able to hit snooze and give my brain a little more time to replenish itself. 

The door to the weight room on the exterior of the gym radiated like a portal to another world. It closed at 6 a.m. sharp and God help the athlete who arrived a moment too late. The only grace period was the time it took for the propped open door to succumb to gravity when Coach pulled the doorstop religiously at the top of that ungodly hour.

My habit carried over to weekends and holidays and my appreciation for it deepened when relieved of the deadline. I'd wake up with the world to myself. I could do anything I wanted. I'd write, watch movies, and play video games. 

Once I embarked on my ambitious venture into the high tech world, something changed. I'd still wake up early, but I'd go straight to work. I absolutely hated traffic. Still do. My early schedule got me ahead of the typical commuter and afforded me the added benefit, or so I thought, of demonstrating initiative, hard work, and commitment to my job. For years, I somehow overlooked the fact that there was rarely anyone around to witness my stellar performance as a corporate citizen.

When the stress got real, that's when I felt it. If I had a presentation to give, or a long flight to catch, or a meeting to run with the C-level execs (something that I believe comes perhaps too early to those with strong writing skills), the unease would stay with me throughout the night. I'd often wake up start ruminating on the day ahead, and never get back to sleep.

It was hell.

When I left the corporate world to start my own consulting business, everything changed. It was a near immediate insight that when I'd wake up in the middle of the night (like tonight -- I've been up since 3 a.m.) -- I let the pressure pass through me. I figured -- why not get up? A daily meditation practice forged the way, I think. Anytime is a good time to get up and meditate. 

I started meditating longer. I mean...what else is there to do with an extra few hours of time in a small house with a spouse, three kids, and two dogs still asleep? Meditate. Drink tea. Think. Write. They all go together really well in the earliest of morning hours.

The pressure of delivering for clients, traveling, pitching new projects -- well, honestly the amount of pressure doing this all on your own as a solopreneur is unrivaled -- however, it's an entirely different beast. 

I liken it to the HBO model versus broadcast. HBO is accountable to its subscribers. It only has to deliver great value to the viewer. Broadcast has two customers to please.  The viewer and the advertiser. Unique and impactful programming can be censored to pablum to placate a sponsoring brand.

The same is true at work. Or at least it was for me. My clients often loved me. And I worked hard to deliver results for them. It was grueling. Exhausting. But what actually burned me out was the extra effort it took for me to also keep my manager happy. And the client and the manager often did not want the same thing. Especially when the manager is out of touch with the client.

I'm not describing it well. It's 5 a.m. I've been up for two hours, and I have a self-enforced rule to not edit these posts very much, if at all. So the words elude me. But it's both gentle and intense, and certainly liberating, to encounter a moment or full night of insomnia and simply let it run its course. 

If you have chronic insomnia and suspect it may be due to depression, anxiety, or psychological stress, consider visiting the NAMI website.